This has been Isaac's favorite funny face to make every since his friend Kate (pictured) taught him how to make it here at Grant & Isaac's birthday party! He's actually much more proficient at it now! :)

Sharing My Life Message

I've been using The Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotional. It is loaded with scripture and is direct, practical and applicable to daily life. Today's devotional was titled "Sharing Your Life Message." I thought that was pretty appropriate since that's more or less what I'm doing here, one day at a time. It seems like every email contains something I need to hear. Anyway, I get an awful lot from it and just wanted to share in case you're interested.

Here's a link to check it out. http://www.purposedrivenlife.com/en-US/FreeTools/devotional/todaysDevo/Devotional.htm
If you want to sign up to receive the free daily devotional there should be a "subscription" link towards the top left of the page.

I just wanted to share. I hope you get as much out of it as I do!
God Bless!

Here's Grant (left) and best buddy, Nathan. From Nate's Daddy's surprise party last Sunday.

Fa la la la blah

Oops! It's been a while again!

Tonight I'm sorting through our Christmas decorations. Last year Brian and I decided that we weren't going to continue to store all of the Christmas stuff that we don't use. We knew that there wasn't much demand for it in January so we decided to stow it in the attic one more year. The goal was to pull it all down by my birthday and to have anything we no longer wanted sorted and prepared to sell or donate by Thanksgiving. Although I'm behind on most things, I actually got all of this down, with the help of a friend, on Sat, Nov 1st.

I've just really started going through things and am trying to get through as much as possible tonight since there's a donation pick up in our neighborhood tomorrow. Don't tell Dad, but I've put out at least 4 Christmas trees of assorted shapes and sizes. I've also put out several coats since we still had tons from living in Missouri and don't wear them too much down here. Some of Brian's work clothes are out there too. I've saved some sentimental things but he was never really into his work clothes. They were just something he had to wear and maybe someone else can use them to get a job or something. The clothes and coats have actually been outside my front door for a couple of weeks. The last group that was scheduled to pick up didn't. After I had jumped the hurdle of sorting through those things and setting them out, I couldn't bring them back in!

Anyway, I've been doing pretty well getting through the old Christmas junk that someone should be able to use but that we haven't used in years. I've set aside some sentimental things to keep along the way. Oddly the ho-hums really set in as I came across some brand new stuff. The last few years, we have had a very elegant tree with snowflakes and ornaments all in silver, white and blue. Last year we planned for a traditional tree this year. We purchased a variety of brightly colored shatter proof ornaments with the intention of the boys doing a lot of the decorating. We also knew they would be making a variety of things to fill in any holes over the next few years.

Now I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. Although we purchased most of them together, I have no memories of using these new ornaments with Brian. He didn't get to see the boys faces when they decorated the main tree for the first time. I know he's in heaven and even the brightest Christmas tree would dim in comparison. He's really not missing anything but I'm missing him. I would like my first memory of decorating the tree with the boys to have him in it. It just really caught me off guard. I have really been trying to prepare my heart and mind for the holidays and for all the traditions surrounding them that he has been a part of. I knew those things would be different. For some reason it seems even harder to think of the new things that we will do. He won't be a part of those new traditions that just pop up on their own. There will be more unexpected bridges to cross.

Hmmm... Every year we buy an ornament for each of the boys that reminds us of them and to help us remember what they really like at the time. Maybe this year we'll start a new tradition of buying an ornament that reminds us of Brian.

I'm Changing My Name!!!

It starts every morning the moment they wake up. "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" Grant has so many, many things to say on any given day. For some reason he just can't start right out and tell me what's on his mind. He feels the need to start every sentence by saying Mommy repeatedly until I've responded at least twice before he will go on and complete his thought. Of course little brothers have a tendency to think they should do what big brothers do so even though he's a man of few words, Isaac is also picking up this habit. Both boys are fighting with allergies or a cold so this evening so was filled with whiny versions of "Mommy," as well as a good deal of crankiness and some clinginess too!

Grant is going through another one of those phases where his bed seems to be made of rubber and every time I tuck him in it seems that he just bounces right back out again. He likes his blanket to be just so and will beg me to straighten it every time he gets back in bed. Once or twice is ok but this too can get old fast. Tonight was one of my 2 nights a week to babysit and the baby was going to sleep while Grant was still having a fit over his blanket. He had already been in enough trouble that he stayed in bed but continued to yell, "Mommy! at random intervals. Of course he managed to wake Isaac who had been sleeping peacefully in the next room. Isaac began to cry "Mommy!" This was only fuel to Grant. Every time Isaac cried out "Mommy!" Grant responded with, "MY Mommy!" Then Isaac would cry out again. Thankfully the little guy I watch can be pretty good at tuning out bigger boys that are being rotten! He went on to sleep. Whew! I wound up rocking Isaac a bit since he had gotten pretty worked up and finally convinced Grant he was on his own with his blanket and that Mommy's patience was worn thin enough that he probably shouldn't wake Isaac or the baby.

I've wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember but occasionally the sound of "Mommy!" becomes like fingernails on a chalkboard. Periodically, on a day like today, I threaten to stop answering to Mommy and consider changing my name entirely. When I made this threat once this summer, a good friend told me that as many times as I hear "Mommy" in any given day, he's surprised I remember to answer to Amber. He's probably got a good point! Anyway, I do love my boys and am proud to be their Mommy. I am also really glad they are finally both asleep!

That Song Is Stuck In My Head

Grant has been in bed for about 30 minutes and he's been out 3 times to tell me that he hears the alphabet song (aka the phonics song) over and over. Although I'm getting frustrated that he won't stay in bed, he's been so funny trying to explain it to me.

Did you ever just have one of those songs stuck in your head? This poor kid is definitely my son! I can't even tell you how many times I have disturbed Brian's sleep to share a song with him that was keeping me up. Often it was some repetitive preschool song that would just stick but there have been songs of all kinds. Sometimes I would even sing it for him if he wasn't familiar with it to make sure he understood. He generally thanked me later for getting the same song stuck in his head! :)

As I was writing I was thinking how I feel kind of bad for waking him for such silly things. But as I think it over a bit more, I'm really glad I did. Those few extra minutes here and there make up more moments and memories I have to treasure when we were talking instead of just sleeping.

And for what it's worth, my advice to Grant, "Sorry Son. Sometimes Mommy gets songs stuck in her head too. You can either sing something else or just listen to it until you fall asleep!"

Helium Heights

Tonight we went to a surprise birthday party for a friend that will soon turn 30. I've known about it for a long time and am glad to have that secret out! Whew! It was for my friend's husband and was thrown for him by his two sons, the same age as mine. The invitation and theme was Dallas cowboys for their hero, their Daddy. I made the cake for the party, even though it really went against my beliefs to ice a jersey in those colors. (Go Chiefs!) Anyway, I was writing about heroes and Daddies along the side of the cake when Grant started asking me about it. He wants to read so badly these days that he has to know what everything says! I was already struggling with it all myself but was further deflated when I had to explain it to him. It was quite a night. I was dragging my feet. As much as I love my friends sometimes it's really hard to celebrate with others what they have but you've lost. Beyond the emotional struggle I was facing, we were running late, I forgot the candles, and I couldn't seem to find the location. If I hadn't had the cake we probably would have gone through a drive through and called it a night. Anyway, we eventually did get there. We survived and we even had some fun. I think it meant something to our friends that we were there and I'm glad we went.

Finally, here's the best part of the story. First off, after eating some cake, the boys were both blue from here to there and had the best blue smiles! Hopefully I can get one of those pics to post for you sometime. The funniest thing happened after we got home though. Both boys had been offered 2 balloons each to bring home. They were both quite excited but after I looped Isaac's around his arm, he was done and wanted nothing to do with them. We wound up leaving his there and just brought home Grant's two. Of course, after we got home, Isaac really wanted his own balloon. Thankfully Grant is generally a pretty good big brother and he was willing to share one of his.
Somehow I hadn't realized that Isaac had never really played with a helium balloon. The ribbon was really long on it and he could reach it even if the balloon floated all the way to the ceiling. He just didn't quite grasp the concept though. If he lost his grip on the balloon itself he would frantically grab the ribbon and throw himself down to the ground yelling "HELP ME!" He really wasn't happy unless he had the balloon itself in his hands. Generally he loves to bounce a regular balloon around and we try to keep them in the air. From time to time he would forget and attempt to bounce the helium balloon. It would just bounce all the way up and he would have a fit over it all over again. He couldn't quite grasp how to pull on the ribbon hand over hand until he had reached the balloon. I'm sure his two year old reasoning was even further impaired by the fact that this was all happening about and hour and a half after his regular bedtime. It was like in his mind the silly thing just kept falling up. The last straw for the poor little sleepy guy was when I was getting ready to tuck him into bed and he went over and gently placed his balloon in the toy bin for safe keeping. Of course the moment he let go, it floated straight up. He just started bawling and I asked if it would be ok for Mommy to keep the balloon in her room for the night. Surprisingly he agreed. For once I really won't be disappointed when a helium balloon ceases to float. I'm pretty sure Isaac won't either - but who knows! By tomorrow he may have a different point of view entirely. Whatever he decides, he's Isaac and he'll be just as determined that it should go his way!

Nov 6-8

Sorry, I posted daily for 3 whole days and haven't done so well since. As with everything else, this is a work in progress. Please bear with me!

Anyway, truth be told, I probably haven't written because I've had a few down days lately. I haven't had any particularly cute stories to tell and so many people have done so many nice things for me this week due to my birthday that I should be thrilled. But as I've told a few good friends, sometimes the best days are the hardest. On the very best days I want to come home and tell my best friend about the wonderful things people have done for me. Then I remember how much I miss him. And the quiet closes in after the boys head to bed.

It's hard to write that kind of stuff down. I know some people really want to know how I'm doing or are in a similar situation so I'll try my best to share the tears as well as the laughter.

Thanks for reading!

My First Birthday

Nope, no one here is turning one. Today is my first birthday without Brian. I'm not even sure where to start. I don't really have any super cute little boy stories. This one's more about me.

Much to my surprise, I actually dreaded my birthday less than I have most occasions that have come about since March 25th. I did feel a bit down last night but I also felt really tired so I'm not sure which was really the issue. I've been struggling with what or how much I should do to celebrate today. I didn't want to ignore it entirely. Little boys should know that mommies have birthdays, too. But I couldn't bring myself to take them out and buy a gift for me either. I settled on marking it down on Grant's calendar along with any other holidays or special occasions we look forward to. We try to mark off the day each night at bedtime and take a look at what's coming up in the days ahead. Even though I forgot to mark off yesterday, Grant remembered and met me at my bedroom door this morning singing "Happy Birthday." It was so sweet and definitely beat starting the day off with alarms!
On Grant's birthday we made a big deal of stopping at the donut shop on our way to work and school. Everyone got to pick out their own donut and the lady behind the counter even threw in four donut holes since it was Grant's 4th birthday. This morning I contemplated the thought and decided it would be a good tradition for all of us so today we stopped for me. The boys were both thrilled to pick out donuts with Christmas sprinkles on them (already?) and I was thrilled they didn't throw in donut holes for my birthday. If they had, they might have gone out of business and we would all still be on a sugar high!
Well, I didn't plan extremely well for the donut stop so we were a bit late arriving at school. Grant's class had assembled with a few other classes to say their pledges and sing the school song. As I signed him in, one teacher pointed out that it was my birthday and before I knew it the whole bunch of 4 and 5 year olds were singing "Happy Birthday" for me. It was embarrassing but sweet and my tears overflowed. A friend began to apologize and I know she's not the only one that had concern over tears I shed at different times today. Most of today's tears weren't from sadness or thoughts of what might have been. They were tears of joy and gratitude and awe. Sometimes people go so far above and beyond anything I expect or deserve that I'm so overwhelmed and my heart is so full that the tears just spill over.
When I got to my office there were 20+ helium balloons in every color of the rainbow scattered across the ceiling and several gift bags on my desk. Throughout the day I've gotten phone calls from my Mother, my brother, my niece, my Dad. Even my boys best friends called and sang to me today! I was treated to lunch with a friend, by another friend. Tonite the boys "treated" me to dinner, courtesy of a couple of giftcards we had recieved a while back. I've gotten thoughtful cards and personal notes and kind and generous gifts. I've received text messages, emails, ecards and several have written on my wall at Facebook. Of all the amazing thoughts, sentiments and gifts I've been given, the most amazing to me was the opportunity God gave me to grow on my birthday.
This morning friends of mine rushed to the hospital with a sick little one. The latest update was that Mom, Dad, baby and older brother (Grant's age) were all at the ER. There was a concerned buzz going around that the older brother might have been stuck at the hospital waiting things out with the family. Several people were willing to go pick him up but no one could reach Mom and Dad to get the ok. When I found out they were at a hospital so near by, I decided to just go and see if he needed a break or if there was anything I could do. I jumped in the van and headed that way.
Barely out of the church parking lot I remembered going to visit a friend at the hospital a few months back. I had gone with two other friends from church and was looking forward to saying hello and helping to cheer her up in the midst of her long day at the hospital. I went along, we found out her room number and headed up to visit. The minute the elevator doors closed something unexpected happened to me. I felt as if someone sucked every bit of air out of my lungs. I was gripping the bars behind me on the elevator wall as if my life depended on it and I may crumple into a shapeless mass on the floor if I let go. I think my eyes probably bulged and I remember feeling like they were brimming with tears but I wasn't actually crying and the tears weren't going anywhere. I was overcome with panic like I can't ever remember and barely managed to squeak out something like "I'm not ok with this." It was my first visit to a hospital since going to see Brian and finding out he was dead when I got there. It was as if a wave washed over me and I couldn't surface for air. But then the elevator doors opened and I could breath again and the fear and panic passed just as suddenly as it had come on.
Today, I was going alone and was heading to the ER. What was I thinking? I immediately called my Mom and asked her to pray. I knew I needed God's strength to even get through the doors when I got there. I made it. Of course my friends had made sure their oldest was taken care of in the midst of their crisis and he was already out with a friend. But I didn't know that and walked in prepared to help. I was able to offer a hug and a listening ear. I was able to truly understand how it feels to think you can't possibly handle one more thing no matter how many people tell you God will never give you more than you can handle. I should probably look it up myself but is that scriptural or just something we say to make ourselves feel like we have the strength in us to endure? Either way, even though we have and continue to go through different things, I understand that helpless feeling and I think she knew I understood. I hope and pray they will really call me if there is a way I can help sometime. In the mean time, please pray for this little one I know and his parents and big brother. I'm not listing any of their names right now since I would want their permission first but if you pray for them, God will know. Please ask for diagnosis/healing of the little one and peace to other family members.

Anyway, I don't know that I helped much but hopefully I helped some. At the very least I prayed and pushed through some of my fears in attempt to help someone else. I've been reminded in so many nice ways how many people care about me today. At the end of this year of my life I know that I'm not only older but that I have grown, even today. God still has a plan and a purpose for me. And for the record, I believe the truth of the matter is that God never gives us more than He can handle!


Happy Birthday to Me! And God bless the rest of you! :)

The Alarm Tripping Scream

Wow! Our morning routine is often rushed but generally fairly mundane. Not today! Did you know a 4 year old boy can produce a scream of the exact pitch and frequency to trigger a glass break sensor on a home alarm system? Believe me - it's true!

Today we started our day pretty much like any other day. After I fixed the boys each a bowl of the same type cereal in identical color bowls with the same color spoons things got interesting. First Isaac had wanted to carry his bowl of cereal and milk to the table himself. I chose to avoid the inevitable clean up and carried it for him. If you don't already know it, Isaac is one very determined and very short fused little 2 year old. Not letting him carry his own cereal to the table was completely unacceptable and in his mind, justifiable cause for throwing himself down on the floor in a full blown tantrum. Surprisingly avoiding the drama, Grant stepped around him, sat down to the table and began eating. Of course Grant chose to sit in the exact spot Isaac thought was his. Isaac jumped up to defend his place and they started to bicker back and forth like brothers do. At this point I chose to ignore the whole scene and continued preparing lunches for their day at preschool. Then it happened... Grant let out this incredible scream!
Now I'm ready to get involved. Grant has a tendancy, at least where his brother or mother are involved, to scream or cry the moment something doesn't go his way. He has an amazing vocabulary but it all slips right out of his mind the second he encounters frustration and I'm always reminding him to stop and use words. I didn't get that far this morning. Grant screamed so loud with such a high pitch that it actually tripped the glass break sensors on our alarm system! So as I race around the kitchen counter, Isaac's still having a crying fit, Grant is screaming and crying and our alarm starts blaring in it's own high pitch! Before I can reset the alarm the phone is ringing. Of course the phone is nowhere to be found and the answering machine picks up before I can. I finally got the answering machine turned off, gave the man from the monitoring company the password and convinced him that amidst all the noise we were really ok. I was completely ready to give Grant the business for this outrageous scream when he showed me the mark on his arm where Isaac bit him REALLY HARD. Seriously?! All over a bowl of cereal?!? What a way to start the day.

Anyone still wondering why I'm calling our blog the Funny Farm?

Note - I also got results from Grant's hearing and vision screening at school. His eyes were fine but he didn't pass the hearing screening. He's going to be rescreened in three weeks and we'll get a referral if it doesn't go better next time. I requested the screening because I've had some concern. He's had so many ear infections in the past year and battles allergies and congestion continuously. It's so hard to know when a kid his age isn't listening or isn't hearing. Please pray that he just had some congestion or something this time around and that the next screening goes well. I'll let you all know when we get those results. Thanks!

Playdough In My Pocket

At the end of the day at preschool I headed upstairs to pick up Grant from his class. On the way I pass one teacher that tells me I'll never believe what hes done. She tells me I should really give his teacher a hard time for not keeping a closer eye on him. Shes laughing pretty hard so Im trying my best not to panic but you can't even imagine the scenes of what might have been that were flashing through my mind! When I get to his class his teachers are laughing and apologizing at the same time while collecting playdough from the tables. Grant turned to face me and I begin to quickly scan over him from the face down. Did he draw on his skin or clothes? Miss his mouth at lunch? Wait too late to head to the potty? A new haircut? So many things still rushing through my mind. What has he done? Then I see it. The pocket of his light blue tshirt is a bit stretched out and there are traces of bright orange playdoughh at the top of it. The teachers continue to tell me that they only turned their backs for a second and he had the biggest ball of playdough you could imagine stuffed entirely into that little pocket. They had done their best to remove the bulk of it but of course there are some smudges and crumbles remaining. I turn his pocket wrong side out to remove a few more crumbs. Some things are just too funny to get angry about. I hugged him and reminded him that we play with playdough on the table.

How do boys manage to be so frustrating and so funny all at the same time? Why would he do something so obviously ridiculous? Simple, because in his four year old mind, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Im well beyond age four but when I think about it I know Ive also done some ridicoulous things that seemed like a good idea at the time. Im thankful that my Heavenly Father loves me and forgives me even when I make decisions that make about as much sense as walking around with playdough stuffed in my pocket. I'm also reminded that even something that seems harmless at the time can leave smudges and crumbles behind in our lives just like that playdough did in Grant's pocket. I pray that I'll remember this as I make decisions for our future and also that I'll model it well to my boys. After all this is the perfect time for them to learn to make good decisions, when the stakes are only as high as a stained tshirt!

Building Magic Stairs

First off, a quick apology. I'm sorry I haven't done this earlier. I've been contemplating it for the last 7+ months to give anyone interested an opportunity to check in on us as they are interested. Today's lunch conversation just seemed like a good reason to start today.

Well, its Sunday so that means a long day at church for us. We love it, but sometimes its especially long for the boys and if they dont head out with a friend I like to do something fun in the afternoon when when we can. Today we loaded up and headed to the mall after church. The boys love to get their pick of the food court, window shop through the Disney Store and explore the play area.We got lunch, found a table, prayed and began to eat.
Of course we sat at a table for 4 since three of us dont fit at a table for 2. I didn't really think too long or hard about it but it didnt go unnoticed by Grant. Grant looked around and said, "Someone should be sitting by me." I told him I was sitting across from him. He said, "My Daddy should be here." We discussed that we miss him and that sometimes we are sad and wish he was here. Then Grant says, "Mommy, I'm going to build magic stairs so Daddy can climb down from heaven and see us." Wow! It's been a while since this discussion has come up and I was kind of floored. Although I've been struggling a lot lately with how long the first seven months of forever has felt so I shouldn't be surprised that my 4 year old is struggling with Daddy being in heaven forever. We had another good discussion about how wonderful heaven is and how happy Daddy must be there with God and that he's going to stay there. I thought we had covered it all when Grant simply says, "Mommy, how do you build stairs?" And all at once the door closes and our conversation turns to carpentry.
Well, Brian's not coming back and its not our time to go. Sometimes I almost envy Grants ability to ponder and remember and then move right along. Although were not building any stairs, I still hope to grow closer to God through each step of our journey here. And hopefully God will continue to use my boys to help me see how real magic is in the heart of a child.

Thanks for reading. I'll try to get back here soon!