My First Birthday

Nope, no one here is turning one. Today is my first birthday without Brian. I'm not even sure where to start. I don't really have any super cute little boy stories. This one's more about me.

Much to my surprise, I actually dreaded my birthday less than I have most occasions that have come about since March 25th. I did feel a bit down last night but I also felt really tired so I'm not sure which was really the issue. I've been struggling with what or how much I should do to celebrate today. I didn't want to ignore it entirely. Little boys should know that mommies have birthdays, too. But I couldn't bring myself to take them out and buy a gift for me either. I settled on marking it down on Grant's calendar along with any other holidays or special occasions we look forward to. We try to mark off the day each night at bedtime and take a look at what's coming up in the days ahead. Even though I forgot to mark off yesterday, Grant remembered and met me at my bedroom door this morning singing "Happy Birthday." It was so sweet and definitely beat starting the day off with alarms!
On Grant's birthday we made a big deal of stopping at the donut shop on our way to work and school. Everyone got to pick out their own donut and the lady behind the counter even threw in four donut holes since it was Grant's 4th birthday. This morning I contemplated the thought and decided it would be a good tradition for all of us so today we stopped for me. The boys were both thrilled to pick out donuts with Christmas sprinkles on them (already?) and I was thrilled they didn't throw in donut holes for my birthday. If they had, they might have gone out of business and we would all still be on a sugar high!
Well, I didn't plan extremely well for the donut stop so we were a bit late arriving at school. Grant's class had assembled with a few other classes to say their pledges and sing the school song. As I signed him in, one teacher pointed out that it was my birthday and before I knew it the whole bunch of 4 and 5 year olds were singing "Happy Birthday" for me. It was embarrassing but sweet and my tears overflowed. A friend began to apologize and I know she's not the only one that had concern over tears I shed at different times today. Most of today's tears weren't from sadness or thoughts of what might have been. They were tears of joy and gratitude and awe. Sometimes people go so far above and beyond anything I expect or deserve that I'm so overwhelmed and my heart is so full that the tears just spill over.
When I got to my office there were 20+ helium balloons in every color of the rainbow scattered across the ceiling and several gift bags on my desk. Throughout the day I've gotten phone calls from my Mother, my brother, my niece, my Dad. Even my boys best friends called and sang to me today! I was treated to lunch with a friend, by another friend. Tonite the boys "treated" me to dinner, courtesy of a couple of giftcards we had recieved a while back. I've gotten thoughtful cards and personal notes and kind and generous gifts. I've received text messages, emails, ecards and several have written on my wall at Facebook. Of all the amazing thoughts, sentiments and gifts I've been given, the most amazing to me was the opportunity God gave me to grow on my birthday.
This morning friends of mine rushed to the hospital with a sick little one. The latest update was that Mom, Dad, baby and older brother (Grant's age) were all at the ER. There was a concerned buzz going around that the older brother might have been stuck at the hospital waiting things out with the family. Several people were willing to go pick him up but no one could reach Mom and Dad to get the ok. When I found out they were at a hospital so near by, I decided to just go and see if he needed a break or if there was anything I could do. I jumped in the van and headed that way.
Barely out of the church parking lot I remembered going to visit a friend at the hospital a few months back. I had gone with two other friends from church and was looking forward to saying hello and helping to cheer her up in the midst of her long day at the hospital. I went along, we found out her room number and headed up to visit. The minute the elevator doors closed something unexpected happened to me. I felt as if someone sucked every bit of air out of my lungs. I was gripping the bars behind me on the elevator wall as if my life depended on it and I may crumple into a shapeless mass on the floor if I let go. I think my eyes probably bulged and I remember feeling like they were brimming with tears but I wasn't actually crying and the tears weren't going anywhere. I was overcome with panic like I can't ever remember and barely managed to squeak out something like "I'm not ok with this." It was my first visit to a hospital since going to see Brian and finding out he was dead when I got there. It was as if a wave washed over me and I couldn't surface for air. But then the elevator doors opened and I could breath again and the fear and panic passed just as suddenly as it had come on.
Today, I was going alone and was heading to the ER. What was I thinking? I immediately called my Mom and asked her to pray. I knew I needed God's strength to even get through the doors when I got there. I made it. Of course my friends had made sure their oldest was taken care of in the midst of their crisis and he was already out with a friend. But I didn't know that and walked in prepared to help. I was able to offer a hug and a listening ear. I was able to truly understand how it feels to think you can't possibly handle one more thing no matter how many people tell you God will never give you more than you can handle. I should probably look it up myself but is that scriptural or just something we say to make ourselves feel like we have the strength in us to endure? Either way, even though we have and continue to go through different things, I understand that helpless feeling and I think she knew I understood. I hope and pray they will really call me if there is a way I can help sometime. In the mean time, please pray for this little one I know and his parents and big brother. I'm not listing any of their names right now since I would want their permission first but if you pray for them, God will know. Please ask for diagnosis/healing of the little one and peace to other family members.

Anyway, I don't know that I helped much but hopefully I helped some. At the very least I prayed and pushed through some of my fears in attempt to help someone else. I've been reminded in so many nice ways how many people care about me today. At the end of this year of my life I know that I'm not only older but that I have grown, even today. God still has a plan and a purpose for me. And for the record, I believe the truth of the matter is that God never gives us more than He can handle!


Happy Birthday to Me! And God bless the rest of you! :)