Fa la la la blah

Oops! It's been a while again!

Tonight I'm sorting through our Christmas decorations. Last year Brian and I decided that we weren't going to continue to store all of the Christmas stuff that we don't use. We knew that there wasn't much demand for it in January so we decided to stow it in the attic one more year. The goal was to pull it all down by my birthday and to have anything we no longer wanted sorted and prepared to sell or donate by Thanksgiving. Although I'm behind on most things, I actually got all of this down, with the help of a friend, on Sat, Nov 1st.

I've just really started going through things and am trying to get through as much as possible tonight since there's a donation pick up in our neighborhood tomorrow. Don't tell Dad, but I've put out at least 4 Christmas trees of assorted shapes and sizes. I've also put out several coats since we still had tons from living in Missouri and don't wear them too much down here. Some of Brian's work clothes are out there too. I've saved some sentimental things but he was never really into his work clothes. They were just something he had to wear and maybe someone else can use them to get a job or something. The clothes and coats have actually been outside my front door for a couple of weeks. The last group that was scheduled to pick up didn't. After I had jumped the hurdle of sorting through those things and setting them out, I couldn't bring them back in!

Anyway, I've been doing pretty well getting through the old Christmas junk that someone should be able to use but that we haven't used in years. I've set aside some sentimental things to keep along the way. Oddly the ho-hums really set in as I came across some brand new stuff. The last few years, we have had a very elegant tree with snowflakes and ornaments all in silver, white and blue. Last year we planned for a traditional tree this year. We purchased a variety of brightly colored shatter proof ornaments with the intention of the boys doing a lot of the decorating. We also knew they would be making a variety of things to fill in any holes over the next few years.

Now I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. Although we purchased most of them together, I have no memories of using these new ornaments with Brian. He didn't get to see the boys faces when they decorated the main tree for the first time. I know he's in heaven and even the brightest Christmas tree would dim in comparison. He's really not missing anything but I'm missing him. I would like my first memory of decorating the tree with the boys to have him in it. It just really caught me off guard. I have really been trying to prepare my heart and mind for the holidays and for all the traditions surrounding them that he has been a part of. I knew those things would be different. For some reason it seems even harder to think of the new things that we will do. He won't be a part of those new traditions that just pop up on their own. There will be more unexpected bridges to cross.

Hmmm... Every year we buy an ornament for each of the boys that reminds us of them and to help us remember what they really like at the time. Maybe this year we'll start a new tradition of buying an ornament that reminds us of Brian.