How Much Is That Daddy In The Window?

Wow, ya'll! It's been a long time since I've signed in here...so many opportunities, so little time.

Tonite another dinner conversation went way off course. I don't know how it happens. It all starts off with the basics mixed with a little playful banter then suddenly we're in a downward spiral. Sometimes I'm honestly not sure if it's hilarious or downright horrible. At any rate, I'm pretty sure it's not the average discussion taking place around dinner tables. I promise it's not always like this, but tonight's was a doozy!

So we rush in from TaeKwonDo and the boys change straight into pajama's since bedtime is rapidly approaching anyway. We sat down to eat a yummy dinner of spaghetti, meatballs, garlic toast, salad, etc. As soon as the prayer is over, Isaac wants his pasta cut up. Moments later Grant is spinning his pasta around a fork. It strikes me that Grant eats pasta like me. Isaac, on the other hand, prefers to eat his pasta just like his Daddy, even though he couldn't possibly remember. It still amazes me when I see little things that Brian isn't here to teach the boys but it's just wired into them. Of course I proceeded to tell them about their Daddy and how he preferred his spaghetti and as usual was pelted with an arsenal of questions. So many of their questions really make me stop and consider. The questions they ask aren't so much about the specific details of Brian and the things he said or did but more of his nature and character. Since Grant likes to eat spaghetti by twirling it around a fork and I told them I used to break up the pasta for their Daddy and he still cut it up, Grant wanted to know if he would get to eat long pasta he could twirl if his Daddy was here. The answer, without a doubt, "Of course!" I know Brian would love to see them happy and would glady forfeit his broken pasta for Grant to twirl his. Sometimes those what would Daddy think or what would Daddy do questions hardly require a thought. Often, even without the experience of having him here to make those decisions, I can confidently tell the boys what their Daddy was like, what he would have done and why.

Some days it's just a fleeting question or a brief thought. Other days it's hard to turn the tide once the waves of thoughts and questions come rushing in. Tonite would have been easy if it had stopped with how Daddy ate spaghetti and how he would want the boys to. But no, it doesn't stop there. Then we go on to how they miss Daddy and as always, I let them know I miss him too. They wish he were here, didn't have to die, etc., me too and so on. Then the spiral really begins... and rapidly!

I'm just noting me or boys to keep this next part more readable. It was really so rapid fire with sentences started by one kid and finished by the other plus random interjections along the way that I can't say specifically who said what. Here's the basic content...

boys: We really should have a daddy here with us.
(crickets chirping)
boys: Mommy, don't you think we should have a daddy here with us?
me: (whistling, to myself, in my head)
boys: Why doesn't somebody sell daddies for people who don't have one and need one?
me: (ughhh) Well guys...
boys: I bet they do sell daddies somewhere! Maybe we could buy a daddy! Mommy can you buy a daddy for us?
me: Well, um, guys...
boys: There have got to be daddies you can buy!
me: Well, really...umm... some daddies can be bought but those aren't the kind that are really worth having.
boys: You can buy a daddy?!!!
me: Well, no, not exactly.
boys: I know! Maybe there are daddies that are tired of their own kids and they just want new ones. Maybe we could find a daddy like that!
me: Well, daddies that get tired of their own kids would probably get tired of someone else's too.
boys: But maybe they are tired of their kids. We could be good and they wouldn't get tired of us!
me: It just really doesn't work that way...
boys: but what if me: (interrupting) Who wants another piece of garlic toast? Anyone want another meatball?!?!?

...and then, thank God, it's over as fast as it started. They're happily eating toast and meatballs while my head is still spinning.

Welcome back to the funny farm! :)

Building Magic Stairs

First off, a quick apology. I'm sorry I haven't done this earlier. I've been contemplating it for the last 7+ months to give anyone interested an opportunity to check in on us as they are interested. Today's lunch conversation just seemed like a good reason to start today.

Well, its Sunday so that means a long day at church for us. We love it, but sometimes its especially long for the boys and if they dont head out with a friend I like to do something fun in the afternoon when when we can. Today we loaded up and headed to the mall after church. The boys love to get their pick of the food court, window shop through the Disney Store and explore the play area.We got lunch, found a table, prayed and began to eat.
Of course we sat at a table for 4 since three of us dont fit at a table for 2. I didn't really think too long or hard about it but it didnt go unnoticed by Grant. Grant looked around and said, "Someone should be sitting by me." I told him I was sitting across from him. He said, "My Daddy should be here." We discussed that we miss him and that sometimes we are sad and wish he was here. Then Grant says, "Mommy, I'm going to build magic stairs so Daddy can climb down from heaven and see us." Wow! It's been a while since this discussion has come up and I was kind of floored. Although I've been struggling a lot lately with how long the first seven months of forever has felt so I shouldn't be surprised that my 4 year old is struggling with Daddy being in heaven forever. We had another good discussion about how wonderful heaven is and how happy Daddy must be there with God and that he's going to stay there. I thought we had covered it all when Grant simply says, "Mommy, how do you build stairs?" And all at once the door closes and our conversation turns to carpentry.
Well, Brian's not coming back and its not our time to go. Sometimes I almost envy Grants ability to ponder and remember and then move right along. Although were not building any stairs, I still hope to grow closer to God through each step of our journey here. And hopefully God will continue to use my boys to help me see how real magic is in the heart of a child.

Thanks for reading. I'll try to get back here soon!