Brian died 1 year ago tomorrow. Today it seems like this year has absolutely flown by!
Somewhere in this disorganized house is a notebook. It contains a list of the events of March 25, 2008 and the people that shared them with us in one way or another. I knew the emotions were so intense that my memory would most likely be cloudy. Someday I'll pull it out and review it myself, and maybe I'll even share it eventually. I do know I regret that I didn't keep up with it at least a little bit longer. There were lots of cloudy details, especially early on.
There are things I've accomplished and decisions I've made this year that I never knew I would need to think about and things I've let slide that I used to think were more important. The boys are growing and changing every day and I'm about a million posts behind on how interesting and sometimes crazy any given day turns out. God is good and we still see His hand in our lives continuously no matter how the circumstances vary. I think I learn something new almost daily - whether I want to or not!
Anyway, I know somewhere I have some memories captured in a notebook. I've heard from some what that day was to them and how they remember Brian. So where were you that day? How did you find out? What was your reaction? How did you feel? Who did you tell? Who is Brian to you and what do you miss the most? Do you have a favorite memory? What would you like his boys to know about him?
Whether or not you generally comment on blogs please think about these questions and take the time today. Leave a comment or if you don't want to share with the world, send me an email. I want to make sure these boys remember their Daddy always and would love them to see him through eyes other than my own.
Thanks so much!
God Bless,
Amber :)
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8 comments:
Amber, I remember the day very well. When I arrived at the hospital, and the doctors told me, I knew in an instant that your life had changed forever. I tried to wrap my mind around what it would mean for you and the boys, but I couldn't. So with a brief prayer I surrendered the day to the Lord.
When I told you that Brian had died, your pain was what it should have been and all that I expected. However, not an hour had passed before I saw the Grace of God on your life as you sought to comfort others.
Though the day may be a fog to you, many of us who witnessed it commented throughout the day about the power of God in your life, evidenced by your faith, your grace, and even your humor. The strength you showed was a testimony in itself.
I'm grateful that just a few days before, at church, I had a moment with Brian. I didn't always run into him, but that day I did, and he talked about how other people were doing--not himself. That character, which you show as well, is a legacy of selflessness that exemplifies the Savior whom he is with this very moment.
It is still a little surreal...even a year later...and now even more so since I can't believe it has been a year already. It seems like only a few months ago at most that Krisinda called me at work, telling me that Brian had collapsed and to start praying. There were a couple people at work who were here and both of which were believers, one even attends Grace, so I gathered them together, since something in me felt like this was very serious. So we prayed. Shortly after finishing, I went back to my office and began to work...still keeping that conversation going with God, since I had that gut wrenching feeling this was not good. Then my phone rang again...somehow I knew...Krisinda called telling me that You were bringing the boys to our house and I needed to get to the hospital - Brian was dead. At that moment, my heart sank, joining that pain in my gut. I immediately grabbed my things and headed out the door, praying even more vigorously. I wonder if it was the same feeling that Christ had when he heard that His good friend Lazarus had died, so I had decided that when I got there, I was going to call Brian back just as Jesus did His friend. The whole time driving to the hospital, I had it all pictured in my mind what would happen and how Brian would "come forth". Everything changed when I got to the hospital, it became even more real then before and I felt powerless, not knowing what to do. I simply came in and gave you a hug, and then stood there, kind of in shock, trying to hold back the tears, and that powerless feeling was overwhelming, but still I had hope - though fading quickly. I was able to go back to see Brian with Steve from your church, with full intention to see Brian raised and made alive...but once I went into the room...all hope was lost. I'm not sure if it was the fact that Steve was in the room as well as the nurse who was gathering up Brian's possessions into a bag, but I just froze there near the door. I couldn't move, and could step any closer. I felt like a failure. After, what felt like eternity, I left the room and went back to where you were. I then stepped out and spoke with Krisinda, informing her how you were doing and talking with her what I thought we could do to help with the rest of the day...and if I should go back to work or not. During that time, you went back to see Brian for the first time. I told Krisinda that since the boy's were at our house, I could drive you to our house to spend time there and kind of get your bearings, and I would go back to work for a few hours to get a project done, I needed to get done. After sometime and prayer people started to gather their stuff to head out. I was able to speak to you about what you'd like to do and offer my help. You decided that the idea to go back my house with the boys and Krisinda was a good idea, and so we went. I don't think I could ever forget our conversation in the car...though it was very scattered from one subject to another, but all about the events of that morning.
I know Brian loved you and the boys so much. From the kiss on the cheek in the morning to the continual hard work he put in daily to make sure provisions were met, his life was portrayed so perfectly in the three of you, and still is. Brian was a very good, loving man, who held true to his word, no matter what. He did everything he could to be faithful in all he did and said he would do. He lived his life with integrity and to me that is the ultimate compliment in a world where compromise of values and beliefs is so easy. When we would hang out, he would put everything he had into whatever we were doing, even if he wasn't very good at it. When things seemed stacked against him - especially with his physical health (his back mainly) - he never let it on there was a problem in any way and would put everything he had into the games played, if it be pool, bowling, or even laser tag. I remember one time when we got together he told me how our laser tag games helped him at work and how he won the company event of laser tag. His grin on his face when telling me was great. You could tell he was just enjoying life to its fullest extent. Still the grin on his face when he told me that he was going to have another baby was one that could not be beat. Isaac is the perfect name for the little one, since you could have seen the overwhelming joy in Brian’s heart to know he was going to have another baby. He so loved his family. The legacy he left behind will go on as a testimony of the life he lived. Through you and the boys, you can see Brian. The strength you have had through this past year is amazing to me. I don’t think I would be so strong.
If I was going to pick the biggest thing that the boys should know about their father and you is that Love reigned. You had such strength during that day, and even in that strength love reigned as you showed concern for others. The bible speaks of the fact that to know one is the disciple of Christ – the best way to tell is by their Love. Christ reigns in the emery family….just look at the Love. Everything Brian did he did surrounded with Love. That is why he lived such a life of faithfulness and integrity. I pray that the boys as they grow, that they always let Love reign in their lives as well, and continue the legacy of their father….that Love Reigns.
Amber, you still amazing me even today, with your strength and love and I am thankful that I have been able to be a part of your life and the lives of your boys. Krisinda and I love you guys and keep you in our prayers – always.
May God bless you and the Emery home.
The first time I really met Brian was at our baby dedication for our Sophie, and for your little Isaac. Of course, I got to know you better in the nursing room, but I only caught glimpses of Brian as he served in the nursery. I remember telling Todd that I couldn't believe there was a guy willing to be with babies during church when he had little ones at home. I was amazed at his gentleness and love for the kids in there. It really showed his heart that he served so cheerfully as a busy dad with young kids. I had just spoken to Brian last at the Easter service 2008- he took care of Sophie that day. He gave her back to us after service with a big smile, and I thanked him. That was the last time I saw him.
And I remember the following days as well. I couldn't believe the news- I was in the church parking lot that morning when someone told me about it. I was in utter shock; it couldn't possibly be true. I had just seen him and he looked great! My mind was reeling with what it would be like to be you at that moment- wondering if you replayed every minute of the previous day in your mind, trying to capture the memories of even the mundane details of the hours before. I remember crying for hours for you, thinking about how difficult it would be for my Sophie to comprehend that her daddy was no longer coming home. I couldn't imagine trying to explain that to Grant, who could still see signs of his daddy all over the house. That night, I couldn't sleep because I knew that you couldn't sleep either; I imagined that you would close your eyes for a moment, but then wake up hoping all of it was a terrible nightmare and that Brian would be by your side. I prayed and committed to God in those hours that He would use me to help support you, my first widow friend.
But to see the strength in you at his funeral and the peace, albeit through grief- it was supernatural, and it was a witness of how good our God is. I thank God for your example to the rest of us of soaking up His grace, mercy and love, of not responding to tragedy with bitterness, but allowing it to make you more Christlike. You let yourself question, but you keep yourself grounded in His love. You sincerely mourn his loss, but you still let yourself laugh at the days ahead. You are a gem, Amber, and your children will rise and call you blessed in the days to come.
Hi Amber,
Although I didn't know Brian very well, here is what I remember about him. At Grace, he always seemed to be serving in some capacity or with you guys as a family. He always had a smile on his face and I knew by his actions that he loved Christ, and that he loved being with you and his boys more than anything!
I remember seeing him the Sunday before he passed away and upon hearing that he had died shortly after, thought about how brief our life is here on earth and how eternal heaven is, and that indeed, was where Brian was.
I remember something that happened one of the days that I came over to watch the boys a while back during last summer. I was trying to persuade Grant to take a nap....well, needless to say, he never did (know what I'm talking about??!!) but during that time spent talking to him, Grant mentioned his dad and how he was kind of sad and that he missed him. I took a deep breath and as the tears were trying to well up in my eyes, I told him that his dad was in heaven and that Jesus was taking good care of him. Also, I told him that if he felt sad, he could ask Jesus to help him to feel better. All in all, it was just made crystal clear to me how I should also be so child like in my faith.
I can't believe it's been a year but I do know that your life is a testimony to me and to so many others and I thank you for your courage and your commitment to raising your boys in faith and love.
Love & God Bless
Rebecca
Amber, I'll never forget it. I was coming out of church from dropping Jack off and you just had this look on your face. I aske dyou how you were and you replied that Brian was taken to the hospital from work and that you were looking for someone who was supposed to pick you up. I knew something was really wrong. I got in the car and began praying for you and the kids and for Brian. I hadn't talked with Brian much, but I thought it was so neat our kids were just a month apart and that both our husbands were Brians. I remember always seeing the two of you in Son City and Brian ALWAYS had a smile on his face. He always seemed happy. I went back to church that night for a bible study and I checked my e-mail just beofre leaving and read an e-mail Ally had sent out that Brian had passed away. I was shocked. I drove to church and saw Ally in the bookstore and just began to cry. From that night on I think of you and the boys always. I know God placed you in my heart. And I'll be here for you if you need me. I can't get over how strong you are and how much I admire you. I can't begin to understand how difficult some days are, or what it is like when it is quiet, but I admire you courage and positive attitude and your grace. God is good and he does provide and he has a plan for you and the boys and I can't wait to see what he does.
I remember that I was teaching my preschool class and another teacher told me I needed to go downstairs that Pei needed to talk to me. "In the middle of the day?" I thought. "This can't be good..." When I saw Pei, she had a very sober and concerned look. She told me that Brian died. I thought, "Brian who?" This must be horrible for some family. I know it's not my friend, Brian Emery. What could she possibly be talking about? As the reality hit me, I was shocked. I was numb. I didn't believe it, but knew I needed to go to Amber. As Pei and I jumped in our separate cars and rushed to the hospital, I kept thinking... I just had lunch with Brian and Amber and our small group. It was such a great time. I sat next to Brian and he and I had, unknowingly, ordered the same thing.
The hospital waiting area slapped me in the face with more reality. More friends. Son City and MDO staff. Brian's co-workers. Is this really happening? Is this unreal situation not a horrible nightmare?
Through the rest of the day, I saw the outpouring of support and caring from your friends. I prayed for you and your boys and strength for the days ahead. God answered that prayer clearly and affirmatively.
That evening, after everyone had left, my sister and I were ready to stay the night. We were going to put the boys to bed and just be there.
You told us to go. You said that you were going to be doing it by yourself from then on and you wanted to take care of your boys that night without us.
Amber, you continue to allow God's strength to lift you and carry you through each moment. I love you and love watching you with Brian's sweet boys. You and Brian made some amazing little boys. You and Brian made such a good team. I'm sad that he's gone from this world.
Amber, that day a year ago is still a blur to me. Scott was at the church teaching guitar lessons when Kristy Hatfield came in with Jayson for a lesson and told Scott that she couldn't believe it. That was the first that he had heard of it and was in shock - so was Kristy that she was the one to break the news to him. He called me and of course I thought there must be some mistake, but no.
Scott said he had just talked to Brian a few days earlier and Brian had told him about his recurrent fainting that he was going to have checked out. No one had any idea that it was something so serious.
Brian always had a smile on his face - not a big bright smile, but one that implied personal joy. The kind of joy that comes from a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and having a family at home that he loved so much.
I also remember how overjoyed he was at the news of both of your pregnancies - and to have two sons! Your boys could not have asked for a more wonderful daddy!
Take care and know that we are still just right around the corner for you.
Amber, I met you and Brian at Grace before Grant was born. I remember thinking how incredibly wonderful it was that you and Brian were so faithful in serving in the children's area and you didn't even have kids yet! That just had to be a sign of how wonderful a dad Brian was going to be. I remember Brian always had a smile on his face and was always so nice. I didn't know Brian very well - but I could see the joy in his face. God definitely shined through him! When I heard that he had made his journey to heaven, it seemed so unfair but when you stop and think about it...his faith and joy shined here on earth, God must have needed someone that amazing in heaven to take him so soon. Your strength in the last year amazes me and also is encouraging in so many ways that you do not even know. I know the boys will know how wonderful their father was through you - there's no doubt!
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